Living with emotionally immature individuals can be challenging, irrespective of their intelligence, charm, or success. Despite external accomplishments, emotional immaturity can significantly impact relationships and overall well-being.
Being able to identify these signs and taking proactive steps to foster emotional maturity in yourself and your relationships can contribute to a healthier and more fulfilling life. Prioritizing emotional intelligence and maturity can lead to more resilient and harmonious connections with others.
Outsourcing emotional labour
The delegation of emotional labour is a common practice when it comes to handling challenging emotions. Tasks like presenting despite intense public speaking anxiety, maintaining respectful communication during disagreements with a partner, or facing and acknowledging grief after a breakup all fall under the umbrella of emotional labour.
Naturally, people tend to shy away from such difficult tasks:
- Opting for silence instead of volunteering for a nerve-wracking presentation.
- Succumbing to the temptation to counter a partner’s comments defensively rather than responding respectfully.
- Choosing to immerse oneself in a new relationship rather than confronting and processing the emotions tied to the previous one.
One appealing but potentially problematic coping mechanism is outsourcing emotional labour to someone else, essentially assigning the responsibility of managing one’s challenging emotions to another person.
Here’s a straightforward example:
- Your boyfriend’s parents plan to visit, and they seek his approval to stay with you. Feeling stressed, he asks you to handle the situation, citing work pressure.
- Out of sympathy, you agree and take charge of coordinating with his parents.
While seemingly insignificant at first, this behaviour sets a concerning precedent in a relationship, especially if it becomes a recurring pattern. In many societies, emotional labour is often traditionally assigned to women, leading to two significant consequences:
- Women may become overwhelmed and resentful due to the disproportionate emotional workload.
- Men might struggle with emotional maturity and resilience, missing out on the growth that comes from navigating challenging emotions independently.
In more serious relationships, it’s essential to be vigilant for signs that your partner may be consistently relying on you to handle their emotional labour.
Emotional gaslighting
Often, feelings of discomfort or pain serve as indicators of a problem:
- A broken leg causing pain
- Stomach ache signalling flu
- A burnt finger causing pain from touching a hot pan
In essence, pain is typically a warning sign of danger or damage. However, just because an emotion feels negative doesn’t always mean it’s inherently bad. Consider the example of muscle soreness after a workout; it signifies growth rather than a problem. Some individuals adopt the habit of manipulating or gaslighting others by exploiting their emotions.
For instance:
- Your partner makes a sarcastic and hurtful remark, leading to your understandable sadness.
- Observing your sadness, they remark, “Why are you always so gloomy?! Can’t you focus on the positive and appreciate what you have?“
In this scenario, your partner reframes your valid sadness as a negative trait or weakness. Accepting this interpretation might make you feel worse, adding guilt to your initial sadness.
It’s crucial to exercise caution when entering relationships with people who perceive feeling bad as inherently negative. Whether consciously or unconsciously, they might engage in gaslighting or attempt to make you feel guilty for experiencing negative emotions.
While ultimately responsible for your feelings, it becomes significantly easier to manage them healthily when surrounded by individuals who validate rather than judge your emotions.
Consistently offering advice but never taking it
Frequent dispensing of advice can often be indicative of insecurity and a lack of emotional maturity.
In times of emotional distress for someone we care about, the natural inclination is to assist:
- When someone feels anxious, it’s instinctive to offer advice to alleviate their fear and anxiety, suggesting ways to feel better or more confident.
- Similarly, when someone is sad or grieving, the instinct is to help them return to normalcy, offering advice on how to “cheer up” and resume their regular life.
However, a cautionary point to note is that the motivation behind giving advice may often be rooted in the advisor’s desire to feel better themselves. In instances where those close to us are experiencing negative emotions, it’s common to share in their discomfort. Consequently, some people offer advice not necessarily to genuinely help the other person but to avoid feeling bad themselves.
For example, consider a frustrated husband who, after an entire evening of his wife expressing anxiety and insecurity, starts bombarding her with advice like “just ignore it” or “quit the job” out of fatigue from her persistent anxious feelings and the perceived tension in their relationship.
If your emotional challenges are consistently met with advice, it might indicate that your partner is more concerned with avoiding their discomfort than genuinely assisting you. Apart from being somewhat selfish, this approach can lead to unhelpful advice. In times of emotional struggle, what is often needed are compassion, understanding, and connection rather than mere advice.
Exhibiting defensiveness without acknowledgement
Defensiveness can manifest in two ways:
- Feeling defensive:
Feeling defensive is a natural response when facing criticism or judgment. It’s a normal reaction when our weaknesses or vulnerabilities are exposed. This emotional reaction, such as guilt, shame, or defensiveness, is entirely normal and doesn’t necessarily indicate a problem. - Acting defensive:
While feeling defensive is normal, responding to that feeling by attacking the other person can be problematic. For instance, if your partner kindly points out that you forgot to take out the trash, and you respond by criticizing them for something unrelated, it becomes an issue.
Consistent defensive behaviour can be a sign of low self-awareness and insecurity. This habit can lead to various problems in relationships, such as unnecessary conflicts, hurtful exchanges, and eroded trust.
An emotionally mature response to criticism might involve:
- Acknowledging the defensive feelings of guilt, shame, or anger.
- Recognizing that the criticism is valid and reasonable.
- Reminding oneself that it’s okay to feel bad but still choosing a mature and constructive response.
- Offering an apology and taking steps to prevent a recurrence.
Ultimately, an emotionally mature response hinges on the ability to be aware of and manage defensiveness in a constructive manner.
Resistance to emotional vulnerability
Emotional vulnerability involves the willingness to openly discuss and share one’s feelings. Unfortunately, some individuals either lack the skills or are unwilling to engage in this type of communication. This presents a significant challenge because it’s difficult to foster a healthy relationship with someone who refuses to discuss their emotions.
Emotional vulnerability doesn’t necessarily mean constantly discussing every fleeting emotion with everyone. The ability to regulate and manage one’s emotions is a crucial skill. The issue arises when individuals are exceptionally skilled at suppressing their feelings to the extent that they cannot or will not express them when necessary or beneficial.
The reluctance to be emotionally vulnerable can have detrimental effects on a relationship. Here are a few examples:
- A partner facing work-related stress turns to excessive drinking because they are unwilling or unable to discuss their feelings about the stress.
- A spouse, secretly unhappy with the intimate aspects of the relationship, feels ashamed and avoids open discussion. This silence leads to resentment, a diminished sense of connection, and intimacy, and eventually erodes trust.
- Despite persistent relationship strain caused by a partner’s constant work and refusal to take time off, the underlying insecurities and self-worth issues remain unaddressed due to an unwillingness to talk or seek professional help. This leads to growing resentment and a widening emotional gap.
The reluctance to be emotionally vulnerable often stems from an individual’s troubled relationship with their own emotions. Unfortunately, no matter how much effort is invested, this is not something others can fix. It requires self-awareness and personal work on the part of the individual to address and improve their relationship with their emotions.
